Pastor's Blog

Every week there's a new "Pastor's Blog" on our church's website, and recently the rotation fell to me again. I've opted to include it here.

I prayed about what to share in this blog today. There are so many options. I heard the Lord’s answer to my wondering --> “It doesn’t matter what you write about, but it HAS to be REAL.” Real? I find that most people are not up for ‘real.’ It can be dangerous and offensive and ugly. However, I also think it’s truly one of the most ATTRACTIVE things in this whole wide world. I’m D-R-A-W-N to people who are REAL. I NEED people who risk being real so that I can risk being real alongside them – in the light of their imperfections, in the comfort of their compassion – with the impossible hope that just being the ‘present day broken me’ is enough … because we all know how exhausting it is to constantly try to be that ‘someday more perfect me.’

There’s no one else in the whole world like me. That’s what I’ve been certain of for most of my life. Now, if you’re an especially positive person you might be thinking “Oh, Tami. Of course you’re unique and wonderful and God made you exactly that way on purpose.” I hear you. I really do. However, when it comes to SELF-evaluation I’m NEVER that ‘especially positive person.’ Nope. I regularly judge, condemn, ridicule, compare and condemn my SELF.

REAL – in no particular order -->

• 3rd grade was the first time I remember thinking “I’m fat.” I’ve been convinced of it ever since.
• In college I thought bulimic behavior might be the answer to my ‘fat’ problem.
• I don’t remember the first word any of our children spoke. “What kind of mom am I?”
• The seasons of deepest intimacy I’ve had with the Lord, in some ways, haunt me today. There’s a reputation of old that I feel like I need to live up to, but I don’t. I feel like I’m lying to everyone.
• Our home is most usually in a state of “fair” – never clean, never disgusting. Right now the sink (and counter) is overflowing with dirty dishes. “How come everybody else can keep their house clean?"
• The deck hasn’t been painted for years ~ Most of the boards are bare and twisting. And that’s just the beginning of a l-o-n-g list that makes me feel like a bad steward.
• None of my kids have memorized the books of the Bible. Yet another l-o-n-g list beginning that makes me feel like a spiritually failing parent.

Isn’t it sad that pieces of my REALITY are based in lies and fears? I’m fat. I’m a bad mom. I’m a fake disciple. I’m a terrible homemaker. I’m an unfaithful steward. I’ve spiritually failed my family. I can’t manage my time. It’s not pretty, but it really IS what I struggle with EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Christ is the Way.

Christ is the Truth.

Christ is the Life.

And I need ALL of those things – I need Him – EVERY SINGLE DAY. He is the WAY of my salvation. He is the TRUTH that defeats my old lies. He is the LIFE I am learning to live.